My girlfriend got pregnant

Yaryna Pikh

My girlfriend got pregnant, my dear damn diary, god, I need to take shower right now. I’m so stupid that I just have imagined that in some 20 years or so I will show this lines to my son.

I hate these girly stuff like diaries but maybe it will really help me to organize a myriad of my thoughts, which in fact had to be organized before we did what we did.

1. How can it be possible?
2. maybe that’s not me who is the father of this baby?
3. how does she feel about all that mess and what is she going to do with the baby?
4. What will be reaction of my and her parents?
5. What should I do to handle myself and not to go mad?

What if the second point is the most crucial one? Bullshit, of course I’m the father of the baby. I know her too well, I can’t hesitate. The only definite shit I feel at the moment is gnawing fear of changing something in my life. I guess I love her but only to some extent…I mean perhaps in some far future I wouldn’t mind to have a family and maybe even with her as I am perfectly used to her, I know how to block all her tricks and how to get along when it seems hard to. But now…I could go abroad for a while, to breathe a fresh air and then come back to her and we will survive somehow…At least we’ve got parents. I can’t cope with the fact that I made a human. It was sensible not to have sex before wedding, my grandpa was completely right. Just to think how many pretty chicks could I have in my life…

I got pregnant
And what if he will leave me? We’ve never spoken about such things seriously. We joked a lot and somehow were sure it wouldn’t happen to us. That is by all means both shocking and terrific. Thanks god my mom reacted well…or almost well…the most well she could react. I’m so grateful she backs me up now it’s so important. There was a time we argued a lot and I was dreaming of living by my side and never meeting that aggravating woman. Now I realize with a pinch of shame that she is the only person who accepts me just in every state or situation. God when we were discussing the issue of abortion in the class I was so of the prohibition of abortions but now…I did not and actually could not anticipate what would happen to me. All in all, here I am, pregnant. There is a live being inside of me and I am completely taken aback and feeling like somebody is pulling my leg in that enormously cruel way. I am so young, I’m not even sure I love my guy.

Well, he’s definitely cute, he dresses well, has a sense of humor and generally is hot but I’m afraid nothing more. I was eager to study abroad, to meet lots of other guys and choose from them the most appropriate one. And now I am to beg this eventual boy not to leave me alone with his child…with our child. What if he has the same attitude to me? Men generally are a way more carefree and appreciate their priceless freedom more. I may appear to be alone with this child or children, maybe there are already twins, lying comfortably in my poor body and sucking all the vitamins from my veins and growing, growing….
Even though, dear diary, I’m a good person (more or less, usually I feed a homeless and help an elderly to cross the road) I don’t know what can get into me tomorrow or even next minute. I’m on the edge and the least I can do to ask any god to give me enough wisdom and strength to leave this creature alive.