I have always been taught to be a pushover.
From early childhood, I have had to not react in any way, despite any rudeness and tactlessness of a person in relation to me. You don't like the other person's position - you silently agree to avoid conflicts. Thank you very much, parents. Honestly, I cannot call them bad because thanks to them, I am well-behaved, open and intelligent, but still, I definitely lacked confidence and the ability to defend my opinion. In general, childhood was not easy, and may it be somehow different in a military family? I understand this shortcoming in myself, but I am not ready to work with it in any way.Because of taking a nap on the bus, I missed a few stops, so now I am running quickly to the university because I don’t want to be late. To put it mildly, it's not the best university, but I like it and I can’t feel the same about some of my classmates.
Here I am already flying into the class for a Demography lesson, I sit down in the free seat in the first row, which my friend took for me. Lisa is my classmate, and we have been friends since the first course, when I asked her to help me with applying documents. Also, Denis is sitting next to me and is murmuring something, I wouldn't have even paid attention, but something in this murmuring cuts my ear. russian language. It is very strange to hear because I have never heard russian from him and after listening more carefully, I realized that Denis is singing a song by a russian artist (yes, I am not a saint either, so I recognize this song, but the last time I listened to it was in 2021, and he is singing it in 2024, the third year of a full-scale invasion!), but I don't dare say anything to him, and just switch back to the teacher. Yes, it would be worth making a remark, but as it is.
However, there is one problem in the Demography discipline, it is the teacher, or rather his manner of presenting information. The voice is always calm, lulling and uniform, without a change in intonation. As it’s said, for a good speech it is necessary that the changes in the intonations of the voice form something like a cardiogram, then people will listen to you. Also, the teacher always tries to fit everything into one presentation, so they always drown in the text of the size of 8 cones and consist of 49-63 slides. Therefore, after 15 minutes of classes, the students usually switch their attention to something else, but the teacher cannot notice this, since many take notes on laptops, from the teacher's side, it is never visible what exactly the students are clicking.
That's why I see how Lisa is watching a new series that was released yesterday on Netflix, meanwhile I am choosing which new skirt to order and see with peripheral vision that Denys turns on Twitch. I'll repeat again, I'm not a saint, so I have the audacity to look at who Denis is looking at, my curiosity is extremely high. But I see the caption to the stream in russian language.
"Perhaps this is Ukrainian with a bad position towards the language." This is my first thought, but I decide to Google the nickname. And again, russian, I don't think that Google has any reason to deceive me.
"What the hell are these russians again? Does he really think it's okay?” But again I don't say anything.
"I don't need to interrupt the teacher because if I start to say something to Denis, the teacher will understand that we are definitely not engaged in a lecture" At least that's how I reassure myself, but maybe deep inside I understand that the reason for my silence was completely different.
***
I was asked to participate in fundraising for a university graduate who is currently in the ranks of the Armed Forces. Of course, I could not refuse because it is very important for me to help the military as much as possible, thanks to them, things are not as bad as they could be, and I see from my parents how difficult it is. Of course, in order to raise the necessary amount of money, you need to spread the information about the fundraising wherever possible, at the same time, you need to do it creatively because, unfortunately, currently, donations are not as active as we need. Therefore, during the next several days, I have had posts and videos appearing on various social networks, where in one way or another I have prompted to join the fundraising.
Again, sitting in the first row, I am discussing with Lisa how active and successful the fundraising is.
"Do you really think spamming social networks is so cool?" - suddenly comes from the side and I understand from the voice that it is Denys.
"Sorry?" - I didn’t really hear what he said.
"Because of you, I can't relax normally in social networks for several days, your fundraising is everywhere: on your page, on our classmates’, on other students’"
"So, it's bad to raise money for the Armed Forces?" - I would ask if I had a little more courage, but, fortunately, Lisa has it more than me. But we don’t get any answer because Denis simply shrugs his shoulders and continues to prepare for the lesson.
For me, this comment by Denys is very strange because our military needs these donations like air. To be honest, we would have lost everything sooner if people had not so actively helped the Armed Forces. More and more, Denys arouses my suspicions and reluctance to contact him in any way.
***
Today I received an answer that I was accepted for volunteering. I was extremely happy about this because joining an exhibition dedicated to the war is vital for me but at the same time responsible, so it is very nice to understand that the coordinators decided that I deserve joining, considering that only 15 people are selected.
During the break between lessons, I share my joy with my group mates who are interested in this exhibition, which is also quite cool because with my volunteering, I not only help the exhibition directly, but also more people learn about it and more people pay attention to the problems of Ukrainian prisoners of this war. Only two people stand aside, one group mate, with whom I actually have never communicated, somehow it always turns out that way, and also Denis. However, I almost do not pay attention to them because I am participating in a discussion, which, unfortunately, is interrupted when the teacher comes in to start the lesson.
After the lesson, I need to clarify some information about the homework with the teacher and I ask my friends not to wait for me, because I have other things to do, and I will not be able to spend time with them anyway. However, when I leave the cabinet, I expect to see only empty corridors, but there is that classmate, leaning against the wall, with whom I have never spoken. He is not looking at the phone, not at one of the stands hanging on the wall, but at me. He is waiting for me.
"Do you need something or why are you standing here?" - I really want to know what he needs from me
"Well, I... I want to say something. If I'm not mistaken, you communicate very well with Denis, so, in fact, be careful with him, he does not speak very well of you."
"What do you mean?" In fact, with these words, he confirms that we have never been in contact with each other, because I can't say that I communicate well with Denis, but at this moment I am interested in something completely different.
"Well, he just talked to me for a few minutes that he doesn't understand why you're doing this volunteering, because it's a waste of your own time. Well, you know, there's something else, but it's not important, just stay away from him."
“Something else?” but he disappears quicklier than I can stop him to get more information.
Well, it already feels like betrayal, does Denis really support Ukraine in this war? There are too many facts that cause me doubts: against this, against this, but at the same time russian bloggers and music are okay for him. Isn’t it suspicious? Or does prejudice speak inside me?
***
I don't really like to say that my parents are militaries. Everyone immediately starts asking how they are, and it seems to me that many may think that by talking about them, I just want to draw attention to myself. I definitely don't need that. But periodically, my close circle of friends asks how they are, whether everything is fine with them.
It is the same this time, and again during the break between lessons.
"They're a little tired, a lot of work, but overall...” - my sentence doesn’t get any ending because I am suddenly interrupted by Denis.
"Why are you starting this? Just don’t whine. I can feel sorry for Vika, because her father is at the front, and what about yours? They sit quietly at home. Militaries who have never been at the front cannot call themselves militaries."
It is the last spark that finally ignites everything that has been raging inside me and all that I can’t stand in Denis's personality. Yes, I kept quiet about a lot of things, and I don't have the best relationship with my parents, but to make such a brazen statement is now too much and suddenly, my mouth, as if it opens by itself, without my will: "Are you serious? Do you even understand what you are talking about? That is, it is normal for you to listen to the music of russian artists, it is also normal to watch russian bloggers, isn’t it? And I'm bad, I'm bad because I raise money for the Armed Forces, I'm bad because I volunteer, so now my parents and other soldiers who have never been at the front are bad for you! So, it doesn't bother you that thanks to them, you are now standing in Ukraine, and not under a tricolour rag? Although, given your attachment to all russian things, you wouldn't really mind being under the tricolour!"
Denis does not expect me to answer him because I always behave as I have been told, but not now. My principles, my position, are much stronger than that. I broke the code. So, I continued to speak, although honestly, it’s better to say that I was shouting with a furious face: "You have not even experienced and are not experiencing what my parents have! Do you think it was so easy in 2022 for them to worry about themselves, their husband or wife, children and parents, who were all located in different parts of the country? Do you think my dad wanted to come at 22-24 at night and go to work again at 7 in the morning without days off, seven times a week? Do you think that my mother really wanted to train with the rifle on December 31, 2022, instead of preparing meals for the New Year? Do you think it's easy for my parents to work three years in a row without a holiday? My parents have been serving this country longer than you have been on this planet! And there is only one question, for what? For people like you to later claim that they are not military?!”
I stop, I don't want to continue anymore and this time not because of fear or admonishment, but because I think I have said everything. But anger fills me all over, from the tips of my fingers to the last hair on my head, and now I do not want to control this anger and I finally release it, saying one phrase:
“You know what? You're not Ukrainian, you're just a vatnik with a Ukrainian passport."
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