by Olha Kolesnyk
Mother died today. Or maybe yesterday, I don't know. (Albert Camus)“Every moment of my life I’d been searching for something.
For a better place to live in, for a well-paid job... I was trying to do my best, mum”, - whispered my white lips. I was seating in front of her dead body for hours looking at her pale face and taciturn mouth. “When did this happen to me? My mother died and I wasn’t even with her at that dark moment” I took the cigarette and started smoking. I felt totally broken.
I remembered her smile, her black hair, her tender hands. I remembered my childhood.
“I was running through green grass in our field while you were talking to father. I remembered that day really well. I ran away from you. I was around eight that time. Frozen smile on your face. Father left us and we never saw him again. Cold summer began in my awareness… From that time we were all alone…”
I promised mother to help when she got old. Well, I was thirty five. I had my own business, my own house, and friends. We were talking once a week on phone. I was very busy all that time. And she didn’t tell me…didn’t tell me she was seriously ill. She was carried for me but I …. I didn’t think about her. I couldn’t bare this. I would never forgive me this.
Your silence made me feel broken like a vase I shattered when I was a little boy. Silence. Deep starving silence was in this empty house where you lived for all this years as I left you. No, I don’t believe in it, no, my dear mother…. I felt as fallen angel wallowing in my own sins….
* * *
Here I am! I am your soul, I am You. You left me behind in this forest of trees full of sorrow and poison memories. Why did you leave me? You gave up the fight. You left me in this empty place of the darkest human dreams full of death remembrance. Never-ending agony within me, within m body… My memories torture every drop of my conscience! I am shivering because of the cold you left in my heart. Something big and dark live in my body. It beats me from within, it draws horrible pictures of betrayal in my head, and it makes me its slave. I am screaming but no one will hear it! Once I will recover… I hope… Hope is the only thing I have…
* * *
I would never kiss your … again. I would never hold your shoulders. You’d gone in other world, another reality. You wanted me to be a good-businessman. “Mum, I did it,” - I thought. I didn’t come out after your death. I couldn’t live the same life as before.
“My dear mother, I had never told you how much I love you. If you could hear me, please believe I loved you much more than you could imagine. I thought we had enough time to talk, to see each other. I never thought you would die so quickly”
I stopped talking to myself. The shot of bitterness stopped my monologue. I understood she would never hear all these words.
* * *
Oh, I wish you were here! I would your best friend! Oh, I wish I had umbrella for all troubles in your life. You gave me everything and I gave you years of loneliness!
Violin sadly plays in our ball full of grief and tears… There is no light! But I would be better, I promise, mum!
You know, I am the phoenix of buried hopes. This was all lies. I will survive and no one will see me off…
* * *
“You wanted to have grandchildren. You said about it several times. You would never see them, mum, never. I should tell you something very important.
I didn’t tell you but my girlfriend, remember her? Sondra was pregnant… It was around thirteen years ago when I was studying in college. Sorry mum but she had an abortion. Please, forgive me! I never thought that something like this would happen to me… You know Sondra was such a beautiful girl but we were just too young, mum. I was afraid to tell you this. You know, right now I am regretted about what we did that time. We should advice with somebody until we sort out this, as we called it, problem.
My dear mother, would you forgive me everything? I would try to do all my best. I would always remember your voice and your perfume, your smile and your love which you gave me…”
I stood up and walked out of the room which would hide my conversation. The only thing which was still there was her majesty Eternity which dozes off with mother’s death in Time…
Mother died today. Or maybe yesterday, I don't know. (Albert Camus)
* * *
Every little memory resting calm in me
Resting in a dream
Smiling back at me
The faces of the past keep calling me to come back home
Rest calm and remember me (Nightwish)
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