is a very sad holiday.
“Christmas tree, my Christmas tree, lit up like a star” was playing on the background. Aunt Josie brought me the CD-player and some CDs with fine Christmas songs last week with a hope they would be a marry-making for me. However, the music was just passing by, likewise any other sounds in here which have turned into a white noise for me. For example, the creak of a gurney passing somewhere in the hole, or beeping of the monitors, or steps, or conversations, or everyone`s rush. There is always a rush in this place, no one is calm. None of the myriad of happy emotions appeared in my heart for that carol playing on the background.
There was a heavy snowfall outside the window. My nude feet were standing on the floor and getting cold. Josie won`t be very glad to see me out of my bed, when she comes to visit me, but I am tired of lying. The garland was twinkling to my left. Josie hooked it two days ago above my bed, despite nurse`s prohibition. “Here it is, darling, – your Christmas spirit!” smiled Josie. I smiled back not to upset her, but I was feeling like the Christmas spirit will never be back to me again. This is my second Christmas in the oncology department.
The night was lightened with the bright moonlight and the street lamps. The window in my ward faced the part of the town behind the hospital. People were cuddled with their warm oversize coats and huge knitted scarves. Their fast steps were trying to get round to their homes and families as fast as possible. Today is the Christmas Eve, so the presents should be under the tree in time. There is no Santa, by the way. Millie Price, the girl next ward, told me so. All the responsibility is on the adults now. I got all my Christmas presents from aunt Josie. She always told me that Santa was very busy, so he asked her to transmit my presents. I don`t see the point of this fairytales now. The man on the street who is holding that huge present box will probably tell the same lie to his child. Hey, you! Tell me your child`s phone number, so I can call him and tell that I am seeing you on the street with that present and there is no Santa nearby!
I noticed four children playing snowballs nearby, and thought that I would win all of them in that fight. A little girl was squalling because of something. She was walking with her dad, I guess, and he might have upset her. Maybe, he has told that Santa will not come tonight, if she is so naughty. Go on, girl, he won`t come anyway.
“Why aren`t you in your bed, young lady?” here was Josie. She was holding two packages in her hands.
“I am tired of lying”
Josie put the packages on my bed and hugged me.
“How are you feeling, darling?” she asked me with a sweetest smile.
“As usual” I shrugged my shoulders.
“Does anything hurt?”
“Not big deal”
Josie took fruits and sweets out of the packages and there also was a small box.
“You know, Santa is very busy tonight, so here is your present!” said Josie.
I tried to smile as happy as possible.
“Thanks, Josie” said I, being aware of the real truth. Despite that, I didn`t want to upset her.
Once there will be a day when I will go to the Undiscovered Country, and when this day comes, I want to be sure that Josie is thinking I am gone with a faith in my heart. Let it be…
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