Dear Alex by Maria Bogdanova

They found her body in the river, it seemed she jumped from the bridge.
Typical suicide – that`s what the police thought. Charlotte`s family and friends believed in this version, because they knew Charlotte was fighting with depression and moreover, few years ago, when she was 16 she tried to kill herself. She also used to cut her body with a knife (until her parents found out and sent her to the
psychotherapist). So, everybody would agree that Charlotte was not a normal person, there was something slightly wrong about her – one day she could be happy and the other one she would cry all day long feeling too weak to leave the bed.
Charlotte`s brother Norman thought that one way or another she would end badly. She was too sensitive, always oversthinking about something unimportant that other people would not even notice. She cared too much. She liked to say that there were stories that were not supposed to end happily, meaning that her life-story was one of them.
Only one person disagreed with police conclusion: it was Alex, her boyfriend. He was at a business trip when the accident happened and he blamed himself for this: if he had stayed at town he would have been able to protect Charlotte. He was sure she didn`t commit suicide, somebody killed her pushing her down from the bridge. But he was alone in this belief.
`You do realize that everybody is convinced that it was her. She was not like others` - Alex`s sister Cary tried not to say “crazy”, but that was how she regarded the girl.  Crazy,  unstable, unpredictable. Even dangerous (but mostly for herself). Cary never liked Alex dating with her.
``She didn`t do this! She was murdered! ` -Alex came to his sister to find some comfort, but now he understood it`s a wrong place to seek for it.
`Her mother cut her veins and died. Charlotte tried to do the same. She was sick and we couldn’t` help her. Don`t deny it. It would be better if you resign yourself to it. She`s gone, Alex.`
`You`re not  helping at all! I shouldn`t have come!` - angry, Alex left his sister.
And in that moment he got the idea. If nobody is looking for Charlotte`s killer, he will find him and bring him to justice. They could think whatever they want, but
Charlotte swore to him that she would never, ever do something stupid again – she hasn`t cut her hands and thighs for two years, she was even afraid when she was looking at knives. And she said she would never do away with herself. He believed her, because she had never lied to him, not even once.
`Why did you do it? ` - Alex was holding Charlotte`s hand looking at the scar. He kissed it.
`Before I met you everything was… hazily. Nobody gave a shit about me, I was always alone. My dad is a workaholic and… I don`t know… He married again after my mother did what she did, but Louise … Sometimes I think she means nothing to him, she`s like a furniture. Norman – saying his name she notably tensed – he is older than me and he was always with his friends at different parties
or clubs. And, of course, Louise hated me, because I`m very similar to my mother. And… did you know that I found her in the bath?`
`Oh God, no, I didn`t. `- Alex hugged Charlotte kissing her forehead.
`I was five, but I remember whole scene clearly. The bath full of cold water and blood… Tears on mother`s cheeks…The blade in her hand… Those images stuck in my mind driven me crazy. I wasn`t able to forget it and I decided if I do this they would let me go. I wanted to get rid of the pain. That`s all.`
`How do you feel now? Does it still hurt? `
`No, I`m fine. I`m fine, because you`re with me.`
`Promise me, Charlotte, that you will never do this again. Don`t cut yourself, don`t try to end your life. If you feel that something is wrong, come to me, talk to me and we`ll figure it out`.
`I promise. No more slits. But I can assure you that I don`t want to do any of it. I choose life. No matter how miserable I feel, now I want to live, to sense, to breathe. My life is not perfect, sometimes I`m falling apart, but I would rather struggle with my demons than give up on everything. With you I have courage to fight and hope to win.`
…Eventually, he came to this question: who wanted to hurt his girlfriend? Who was despair enough to push her down? There wasn`t many candidates. First of all he thought about her stepmother, Louise. She had an affair and Charlotte found out about that and was going to tell to her father. She was waiting for him to return from the conference in Chicago. And relieving the truth could have sad
consequences, even lead to the divorce. So, maybe Louise or her lover was hopeless to decide to commit the crime? Alex checked this version, but both had reliable alibi: Louise was on the charity evening (fundraising for children with cancer) and her lover – son of her close friend (what a scandal) was in the best place you can imagine – in jail. He was caught driving drunk. Then Alex recalled that  on Charlotte`s work there was a guy who disliked her because of her rich father. He told everybody she bought the position in the editorial staff (Charlotte was editor`s assistant). They were competitors, because both wanted to get promotion, but only one could achieve it. So, this man started to
play dirty telling they didn`t have to deal with crazy colleague who had better be on treatment in mental hospital. He made Charlotte upset, but she was sure that she would get the promotion. `He`s insecure in himself, that`s why he speaks so bitterly` - Charlotte told him one day. Alex checked him too, but it was a failure again: Mitchell (that`s his name) spent whole day with his family – wife and two daughters. The blind alley… Two days after Charlotte`s murder and he still has nothing. No suspects.  He hates this feebleness. But he needs to focus on the case in order not to think too much about funeral and his lost. It`s too much to take, too much to handle. He couldn`t believe Charlotte was dead, that he would never see her, touch her, kiss her. It hurts like hell. He must have been with her, he must have protected her, save her or die instead of her. He failed her when she needed him, so what kind of boyfriend was he?
`Why are you doing it? `
`Doing what?`
`Why are you so nice to me? `
`Well, the answer is simple: I like you`
They came to the picnic near the river. Charlotte was smoking and he thought he should persuade her to give up this habit. `Is this your way to show how good catholic you are? I mean hanging out with
damaged girl, because she`s so pitiful and needs a hug?  If this is it I need you to back off: I don`t like people showing their damn compassion. And I won`t take it from you`
`That`s very stupid thing to say on a date`
`Are we on a date? So, are you going to introduce me to your family or I`ll be your dirty secret? It`s a shame to be with a girl like me. People will poke a finger at you. You know, we can date secretly and nobody will be aware of your disgrace`
Alex stands up from the blanket holding his hand to her.
`Picnic is over. We need to go`
`Where?`
`To my parents. Today they are at home`
It was the day after funeral. Alex started to drink from the morning. He didn`t have to go anywhere nor did he intend. Cary called and after he didn`t answer came to his house, but he didn`t open. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to find the murder and kill him with his bare hands, watching as life slides from him. No police, no court and jail. Eye for an eye a tooth for a tooth. Life for life. Drinking second bottle of whisky he heard the knocking again. He left the coach and opened the door ready to drive away whoever was behind the door. He`s not in a mood to be nice or polite, on the contrary he wouldn`t mind to be dragged into a fight. He saw young blonde women who smiled at him nervously.
`Are you Alex Wayland?`
`Yes, I am. `
`I got something for you. – She handed him a white envelope.
`What is it? ` - Alex didn`t took it immediately.
`This is the letter from Charlotte.  We were corresponding through the Internet from time to time. She asked me to give this letter to you in case something would happen to her. I heard about her death… and here I am.`
Alex took the letter. He thanked the women and closed the door. Charlotte wrote a letter for him. Was it the suicide note? He hoped it wasn’t. She loved him, she wouldn`t do such horrible thing to him. She just wouldn`t, would she? Alex set on the coach and started to read.
Dear Alex.
If you read this letter it means that something bas happened to me. If this is the case then I need to tell you the truth. I tried to do it, but every time I couldn`t bring myself to voice it. If you don`t say it loud you can pretend that it`s not real and therefore it can`t haunt you down. You asked why I attempted to murder myself and I told you a part of story. I did it because I was ashamed of myself, of what he made me come through. I couldn`t confess to anyone, because it was so wrong, so unnatural. I wanted to run from myself, to jump from my skin, my body, because he liked it. He told me that I was beautiful, and that`s why he wants me so bad and it`s my fault he can`t stand me. Every night he came to my room, closed the door and made me do things that I didn’t` want to do. I swear I didn`t want to obey, but he said that no one will believe me. And if I tell the truth and by the miracle somebody will, he`ll deny it and blame me in seducing. That`s why I kept quiet. But I couldn`t 
let him touch me again, so one day I took the blade and you know what happened then. I was disgusted with myself, with my body, I couldn`t bear any more. After my attempt Norman left to study in Stanford and I felt like I might try to forget everything that happened. But cutting my body was how I punished myself for not being strong, I should have struggle, not to be silent victim, but I only cried 
and pleaded him to stop. He never listened to me, Alex, he was a monster and I was very afraid of him. I showed weakness and I thought I must pay for it, pay with my blood, scars and pain. And then I met you. You healed me and made me brave. When Norman returned  home I said I`m going to tell you about what he did. I couldn`t keep it from you, because I needed to give you the way out. I was afraid you`ll never want to see me again or you`ll despise me. But you loved me, you made me feel special like I actually mean something and that`s why I decided to tell you. Please, don`t hate me Alex, I`m begging for your forgiveness. I can`t write any more, because my head starts to ache. If you don`t forgive me I`ll understand it. I don`t deserve you, I don`t deserve to be happy. But, please, remember: I`ll always love you.` 
Charllott
… Alex felt the tears on his cheeks. He came to his cabinet and opened the safe where were money, some safety stocks and the gun. He was going to kill that bastard, he certainly won`t call to the police. Tonight Norman will be dead.  Having finished watching The Notebook (only because Charlotte insisted on and promised next time they`ll watch Avengers) they were lying cuddling in the bed. Alex was beginning to fall asleep.
`I love you`, whispered Charlotte. `And I owe you so much, Alex. You literally saved my life`.
`I love you too`- said Alex turning the lights off. `I have never said those words to anyone. `
`Neither did I. `