Red Hyacinths by Ksenia Medrina

Jin puts on his best suit,
the one that he wears for meetings with other heads, but decides not to wear a tie. Also he finds himself a baby-blue shirt instead of a regular white one. His mother never liked formalities too much.
He smooths the collars of the jacket and checks himself in a mirror. His hair is a bit dishevelled, but not that he can help it really, a gun doesn’t stick out from under the jacket and that is good. Jin doesn’t want everyone at the cemetery to think of him as someone who is not a simple office worker. He tries to smile, his teeth white and straight. It costs him some money to keep them in good condition, but it is nothing. His granny would have loved his smile now. Jin takes his car keys, a small bag of cookies for his coffee on a way back and three modest bouquets of red flowers. He fixes his glasses and heads out the apartment.
The morning is still quiet. People are just starting their day, filling the streets with cars and bicycles, some of them preferring to walk. There aren’t many of them yet, but the city slowly starts buzzing with all kind of noises, street workers rustling with garbage bags, cleaning machines beeping along the sidewalks here and there. Jin likes seeing the city losing its sleepiness and turning into a mess of voices, busy coffee shops and tired drivers, stuck in endless traffic jams. He lets his mind wander through narrow streets far from the centre, that he has known by heart since his childhood, through that one big park where he and his granny liked having walks. He had already been a part of the business then, and she had been living her last weeks, but Jin still remembers that time as if it was yesterday. His granny was a bright woman, skilled and respected in their world. She taught him how to speak that everyone around listens and how to carry himself that no one else dares to open a mouth. She gave birth to and brought up his mother, and Jin is grateful for that the most.
Gravel murmurs under the wheels of the car, disrupting the tranquility of the place. Jin accidentally slams the driver door and apologizes to no one and everyone at the same time. He hasn’t been here for a while and he is sorry for that, too. His mother’s and granny’s graves are fenced, wild flowers cover the ground around them. Jin adds more of them, laying red hyacinths on top of stone tablets with carved names on them.
“Hello, mom, hello granny. I am sorry I haven’t come for so long. You both know how time-consuming all that work is. I try to spend a couple of days a week outdoors, going out with guys, doing all that dirty work. You know, knocking in some sense to people’s faces, knocking out our money, all that stuff. I still have the power in my fists and get excited as easy as when I was fifteen.” Jin goes silent for a moment, caressing her mother’s grave. Memories flash in his eyes, his vision blurry.

Then, he continues.

“I woke up this morning and nearly broke my glasses. I wasn’t attentive enough to notice them near my pillow and almost crashed them with my elbow. It made me remember my old glasses, small and round, that we bought with you, mom. We were walking home from my music school and reading aloud what was written on billboards, as we usually did that. I couldn’t read something and you decided to go check my eyesight. An ophthalmologist said it was drastically reducing and prescribed me that funny glasses. Oh how i loved them. And you, granny, loved them too, I remember. As soon as I entered the house, you told me so. And you told me that we looked really alike thanks to them, as you and I both had already been missing a couple of front teeth.” Jin chuckles ar himself, adjusts his glasses and goes on.
“And then I remembered father. How he laughed at those poor glasses and thought I wouldn’t be able to fight with them on. And I couldn’t anyway, because father was strong and knew some tricks from experience. He nagged me every time we saw each other. Although I am grateful for him teaching me and building my character to fit into this mobster life, I cannot forgive him for what he did to you two. For what I did.”
Jin goes silent. The wound, bleeding and screaming in remorse, reopens every anniversary of his mother’s and grandmother’s death. Jin failed to recognise a traitor in his own father, the man, who traded lives of his family, Jin included, for stability for his business. Jin knew that the person his father had this deal with was extremely cruel and that he held a grudge on Jin’s whole family. So his mom’s and granny’s fates were determined beforehand. He didn’t want them to suffer. He didn’t want to hear them crying in pain, as Jin was sure, they will be tortured, if not for a good reason, than for fun. He didn’t want any of this for his most favourite people, so when he had a chance to free himself from tight ropes and grab a gun, he did what he thought was the best in their situation.
“Your deaths are on me. I will never wash that blood off.” That is why there were red hyacinths, a symbol of sorrow and regret, every time Jin visited the cemetery. That is why he continued to be a part of the business, a mobster, feeling as if he didn’t follow this path he would betray his mother and grandmother. That is why he still lives, because he managed to make that filthy man and his people confused and fussy, and that made it possible for Jin’s father people to knock everyone down.
“You know, when father was shot down, I immediately regretted doing what I did, but it was too late to change anything. I will pay someday for all my deeds and then new blood will cover someone’s hands.” Jin shook his head and smiled only with one corner of his mouth. No one would ever know whether things would has turned out the way Jin predicted them to or not. However, no one would ever look at him the way his family did.
And that was his burden.