Lily's Deck by Yelizaveta Tretiak

It is a painful truth that the best people

in your life leave you far too early. I used to think that it was not about me.

I sat on the sofa and put the coffee on the table. Sitting on that spot next to the window has been my obsession for years. I have always found the smell of freshly brewed coffee relaxing. In those moments, life seemed a bit better.

I reached for my mug on the coffee table and my eyes fell on a cardboard box holding a deck of playing cards. It must have been mother, who was reorganizing things.

Playing with those cards with Lily was our non-negotiable weekly tradition. Surprisingly, I never cared about winning in that game. I felt warm and satisfied just by playing with her.

Lily always knew how to make things look less scary. Even when we found out about the diagnosis. And even when she was losing, Lily grinned like she was the true winner of this life.

I remember that day in the hospital room. The walls were grey and smelled of antiseptic (which always reminds me of that day), Lily was sitting there cross-legged on the white sheets, wearing a bright pink t-shirt.

When the doctor left the room, she neither cried nor looked terrified.

She just reshuffled the deck with her pale, slightly trembling hands and said, 'Well, at least I don't have to study chemistry anymore.'

She turned the scariest moment of our lives into a punchline. Now I realize that she did it for all of us. She knew that we would be left in this world without her, her loud music from the 80s and bright funny pajamas with all kinds of animals.

She was playing cards till her last day. Just to make sure we wouldn't fall apart.

I picked up the deck of cards and took them out. Even though it has been some time, I still cannot bring myself to play. Just not yet.