There was still half the cigarette remaining when he drowned it in the almost empty cup of coffee. Several other cups were standing already empty on the table. John’s fingers were tapping some chaotic melody and with each tap his thoughts changed.
“He is my brother” – one thought continued to reappear. – “I can’t do this. And I won’t”.
“Of course not. And do you know why?” – the other voice in the head was much louder. – “Because you are brainless and spineless coward who has no guts to do anything. Just as he and the others always said”.
“Killing him will change nothing. And it will only make everything even worse”.
“It might eventually. But would it worth a moment of not being a mud on his shoes? Of being a person?”.
John felt as he was about to cry and another cup of coffee was definitely not helping to his condition. As well as a man with pale eyes who was sitting not far from John. Judging by his appearance, he could tare John apart with his bare hands. He was speaking to someone on his phone and laughing on something and it seemed to John that pale-eyed man was laughing at him. Unable to take it anymore, John practically ran away from the café, not even taking the change from the bill. His brother’s flat was just across the road, but in the end it appeared to John to be the longest walk he ever had. And yet he was going, completely drowned it his viscous thoughts as before. His brother always had everything John wanted: he was smart, brave, physically strong and easy to win other people’s affection. Such envy gave birth to John’s hatred – towards his brother and all around him. For a long time so far he wanted to kill brother – and him alone for now – as the reason for all John’s fails in life, as young man personally saw it. But in the same time John feared that he will fail in attempt to kill his brother – to his mind chances of such failure were very high, and this fear could have been compared only to another: fear of the consequences should he succeed. Still wouldn’t it be the best proof that he, John, is not only compared to his brother but even surpassed him by doing something even he wasn’t capable of doing? Not to mention achieving the promising felling of unleashing all the pain and hatred he had.
It wasn’t the first time John would sit in that café, thinking about everything and then walk to his brother house, but would back down in the last minute. This should have happened this time as well, but suddenly John realized that he was standing in front of the doors to his brother’s flat, ringing the door bell. Before he decided to run away, the door opened.
– Oh, it’s you little brother, – the owner of the flat said, granting John with disdainful smile. – To what do I own this questionable honor? Make it fast, I have other, far more pleasant meets to attend.
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