“The world breaks everyone,
and afterward, many are strong at the broken places…” ― Ernest Hemingway
In 6 hours 23 minutes I'll die. How will I spend these last moments? I will be killing. I'll be killing cruelly, thoughtlessly, but, after all, skillfully. I will be killing just in the way I have been doing this for the last six years. I'll be killing time.
5 hours 59 minutes – I am looking at the roughness of the hurriedly bleached ceiling of the room. This irregularity is so strange. It certainly wants to say something, but is always somehow scared or ashamed. No, probably, the first one… We are blushing with shame, and they are pale… Yes, it is exactly the same room, with the same ceiling and disgusting whitewash. And in that amount of unevenness, in fact, I had been already fortunate enough to read my future.
Four hours 5 minutes until the end. What a pleasure to use the word “end” appropriately! I remember, in my childhood Dad used to scold me for something like this. So I got used to the words “cut-off” or “closing” as he wanted me to. Now I'm free.
But what does the freedom mean? Once I thought it was about what I was allowed to do by my surrounding. Now I realize that true freedom is only about something what I afford myself to do. I was finally allowed to die. And I let myself die. Now I'm really free.
However, six long years ago, I had already been buried. It's funny since I continued to live. I lived with that burning desire of death and was a killer by myself...
Three hours – who made me a killer, you’ll ask? Probably, fate if you are a fatalist. If not, I don't care. It is nothing but fate…
A naive boy, I wished to be a soldier: to protect all the native and kill all the strange. Just like father… But, fortunately, I was lucky to outgrow his generation in time. I permanently highly treasured the whole concept of life. Really enjoyed and savored. I was born not to demolish for the sake of someone’s stupid obsessions, but to encourage and inspire others by own ideas.
After leaving school directly started to work on construction. With every brick laid on the new object I increasingly recognized that I was in the place. I was an artist. I created. And I would never long for anything more.
What else is worth mentioning? The last shift of the week. Bad weather, darkness. Roof. I fell. This room with a clumsily bleached ceiling. Verdict issued in a hoarse voice of a reputable inhuman in white. Mother’s tears.
Had this world actually needed me? Surprisingly, but neither during the 28 years of life as I was creating, nor even in that 6 years of my death when I was killing, I wasn’t concerned about similar questions. Apparently, I was busy, or sometimes is just best to let things go. So…
34 minutes – so what a point in taking a place in this already crowed world? To be honest, I have no idea. And I haven’t to, I suppose. In an hour I'll take a new place somewhere else.
My Mommy died shortly after my “death”. I am grateful to her for teaching me love. And I loved. Maybe, that's the point? Again, nobody knows. Someone big once said that we came into the world solely to help one another to go through this damned life, whatever its meaning was…
Her name was Annie. She was helping me greatly. And that help was pure and mutual. We complemented each other, we shared, we planned. A moment – and I'm no longer worthy of her help, not worthy of “us.”
Do I consider myself defeated? Difficult to answer. Certainly, this is a failure. But, on the other hand, it is an experience, and who knows what lies ahead. I constantly believed in one trivial thing – each end is the beginning of something new. And I so desperately need that “new”.
The only injection, and my seat is free, and I won't kill anymore. I’m tired. Finally, these ignoramuses have come up with something of value...
– I can not! This is a murder! Why is it my shift?! – a female voice at the door.
– Colleague, he is a vanquished vegetable whose shelf life expired more than five years ago. Gather yourself, and we'll put the patient out of his misery!
– Hi, it's the time? See you!
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