Fourth Attempt by Anastasia Kononenko

“Tell me the truth, Charlie,”

he asks. Charlie stares back at him, exhausted. “Was it deliberate?”

“What?”

“Tearing out the cannula. Not calling for help.”

“Yes.”

Sean places his glasses on the night stand, rubbing his eyes with one hand.

“What were you hoping to achieve?”

“I wanted to die.”

“Why?”

Charlie looks somehow haunted.

“I can't…” He turns away, drained. “Tying me to the bed. Of all the things to think of…”

“Because you're destroying yourself!” Sean cuts in. “I keep trying to understand, but you're not even afraid — you see, the more scared I get, the closer you are to death — the more you crave it!”

“Because I screw up,” he says with sudden calm, propping himself on his elbows — the restraints keep him bound like some caged animal. “And nobody forgives me. I… can't forgive, either. The more shame builds up, the stronger this urge becomes! The further I spiral, the more trouble I cause! You know how I despise being someone's burden!”“I forgive everything,” Sean whispers, gripping his hand. “All of it, if you’ll just stop.”He gulps.

“I'd never forgive myself if you died. Never. But you? In a heartbeat.”

“You mean that?”

“God, yes,” Sean breathes. “Of course I don't blame you for any of this.”

“Liar,” Charlie laughs bitterly.

“I'm being honest. This is all on me.”

Charlie falls silent. Barely audible, broken:

“No.”

“I should've been more careful. Nobody should ever hear what you heard. Everything could've been fine, don't you see? When I just… made it up on the spot. I keep thinking — if you could just forgive me for that… if you could forgive yourself for how you reacted.”

Charlie looks at him silently for a long time.

“Untie me.”

A little longer.

“Untie me, for God's sake.”