Losers by Oleksandra Kuhut

“Why am I doing this?” - thought John,

walking along the deserted side walk of one of the disadvantaged areas of Chicago. This man did not understand why he was going to her. She is a fallen child, abandoned by those who were supposed to love her for who she is, and whose sincere heart was rejected by those who did not deserve her love. John has known her for only a few weeks, but he is sure that once upon a time Xan's eyes were full of hope and happiness, but now he can see only despair in them. He felt sorry for the unhappy girl, but just the sight of her face forced him to experience a monstrous pain, which tore his chest from the inside, as if his heart was petrified and burst out to fly straight into her head and crush her skull. John imagined the scene and chills ran down the back of his head. This feeling brought the man out of fantasy. An elderly, tired-looking handsome man realized that he had stopped just opposite the house of the cause of his suffering and, at the same time, incomparable warmth and pleasure. 

From behind the dusty, cracked window, he could make out Xan's head. The girl was quarrelling loudly with someone on the phone. John was able to discern “Go fuck yourself”, “I won't give you a single cent anymore”, “Don't come running to me in the middle of the night for coke, you know, I'll hand you over to the cops” 

from a girl in a noisy bustle of a distorted voice from a telephone, Xan's loud shrill voice. The man lit a cigarette, listening to her menacing cry. After a few puffs, Xan smelled the familiar smoke and looked out the window. John grinned at her. Xan barked sharply at the phone, “Call back later”. She disappeared from sight for a minute, and then went out on the porch barefoot, throwing on a shabby sweater of an incomprehensible gray-green color. “This is my only warm clothes,” Xan muttered apologetically. “No problem,” John replied. "So you finally came to fuck me?" she asked, bullying the man. “Xan, I'm not going to sleep with you,” John 

replied calmly. 

 “Then why the hell did you call me in the middle of the night?” 

 “I didn’t call, you went out yourself” 

 “You know what I mean” 

The girl hesitated, then continued irritably. “You're a filthy moralist. Why are you throwing tantrums again? Last time, you also played like a loving daddy”. He was silent. The girl did not stop. “What, your conscience won't allow you to leave me?! Who do you think you are, Jesus Christ?! You want me, but the principles get in the way, yes? You've come here 2 times already. Just fuck me, pay and run away. It will become easier for you, and it will become easier for me... We will not see each other again and will forget that we met at all”. 

 Xan, looking straight into John’s eyes exhaled heavily and turned to face the front door of her house. He inhaled, and then, shaking his head quietly and with sincere incomprehension, asked, “Why do you need all this, Xan? You're young, smart, you could find a job. You could be happy. I ... I want you to be happy. Why do you offer me yourself for money?”. She turned around, and with a painful grin snapped, “Don't you dare teach me what is right and what is not. Who do you think you are? A lonely old walking-around-dick-thinker who turns on daddy with every drunk whore drug addict found on the subway at night. You do not understand a thing. Do you think I choose this? Do you think that I would not like to drink Pina Colada in my own villa, like all these “successful” fucks? This is not about my choice. You are naive if you think that there is a way out of here for me. I've been a whore since I was 15. I have been in business for 5 years. Everyone knows that I am a whore. Everyone knows that I can only suck, jerk off and spread my legs. So I don't need a special relationship from you here, use my services or get the fuck out of here”. Xan with wet eyes and a trembling voice was still saying something, but John was just looking at her. A petrified heart, trying to break Xan's head, woke up in his chest again.   

“Are you listening?!” 

He was again pulled out of his thoughts by the angry cry of Xan. He, having hesitated a little, finally said, “You're right. I have no right to teach you how to live. But I also have no right to use your services, because every time I see you, I want to hug and kiss you so that you forget that you are a whore and kiss me back, not because I paid you for it, but because you want me”. Xan froze on the porch, dumbfounded. John slowly walked closer to her and lifted her chin with his fingers, gently touched her lips with his lips, “I don't want to fuck you, I want to make love to you”. 

She was still looking at him in confusion, but something seemed to melt in her eyes and Xan fell into John's arms and a bit into his lips with a passionate kiss. He felt tears flowing down her cheeks. She took her lips from his for a moment and whispered, “I love you, I'm sorry. I was afraid that you did not want me, I was afraid that you would deceive me”. He touched her face with his hands and said, “Since we're both losers, let's get through this together”.