The Chronicle of my Remorse by A. Beresowska

May 12 

As the spring days slip by, it is easy to rid my mind of any regrets of recent days. THEY are still awaiting here, though they do not disturb me during the day, only at night, craning necks with dishevelled locks of hair. Sorrow itself can hardly melt my heart, though I have been troubled by feelings of current guilt.  

May 14 

My mother told me I should have a rest. Indeed, I have got to have a vacation soon, or I'm going to nut up. I barely closed my eyes this night, trying to keep my mind from straggling and not running to extremes. I have just hit another bad patch in a terrible spot and there is no doubt that I will be all right in a couple of weeks. The main task for the next months is to pass through a crisis and get back without accident. 

May 29 

Guilt, Guilt, Guilt... Innocence will not kiss me again. THEY are in the corners of the hotel room, on the surfaces of furniture and their faces ooze out of the water depth in the swimming pool or even in the dark green bottle of wine, aping and grimacing from the looking glass. My holidays in Karlovy Vary have no effect neither on the digestion system, nor on my mental health.  

June 4 

Head physician wanted to have a chat with me about my frustration, what was very nice of him. Unfortunately, he has no most evident insight and outsight of a doctor, so I left him standing quite bewildered, with an extinct cigarette. Well, it cannot be helped, at least today. I try my best, yet sedatives just make me weak along with sluggish. Tomorrow another therapy will be included in my schedule. 

June 13 

Finally, I am able at least to eat on the regular basis without vomiting, or, as they call it, emesis. The physicians prognoses my absolute recovery in a few weeks, so do I! The medications evoke sleeping energies in my body and THEY do not disturb me as it used to be; hopefully, THEY are gone forever.  

June 25 

My life's work has crumpled. Have written down this quotation: "Our unwillingness to acknowledge life's price does not mean it doesn't have one". 

July 4 

Shame and dirt fill me. Now THEY are my inseparable companions. No self-love, no shame, no forgiveness and yet forgive me, you all, awful creatures!