LOVE=HATE by Kate Pavlivska

People keep telling me that hate

is always foolish and love is always wise. But now. After about three years I found myself in the situation when these both feelings switched their places. You want to know how did I come to this? Well, then I need to share with you my story.

It all started from love. I curse and worship that day when I met her. It was an evening after my third interview m one day. I was lifeless and bored, but I didn't want to go home. I was wandering the streets and looking for something interesting. And finally. I got my eye on the flashing red sign of a cheap bar with a low-priced gin tonic. Then my eye got down on the terrace with people holding theirs water-diluted alcoholic beverage. And boom. I noticed someone’s graceful hands, holding cigarette which slowly and gentle coming close to bps. I want to smoke so much that I asked the owner of these hands for a spare cigarette. It was her. My future love. We talked over a cigarette, word after word, cigarette after cigarette and again, boom, we’ve trapped to the relationship.

Talking about our relationships, they were similar to the side effects of smoking addiction. I mean, smoking relaxes you, but in a couple of years it gives you cancer. Yes, it’s maybe hard to understand but somehow, we lived three years like this. One day everything was marvellous, she smiled and made me feel the same way. She talked about things that she loves and made me to love them. Too. I looked at her hands and every time, and I was surprised by their curves and moves. I looked at her and wanted to be her. To Eve her life. I was in a fog. Admiring her.

But the other day. I hated her. She was manic, chaotic, and I didn’t understand her. She did crazy things to make herself feel alive and drag me in. She was mean to me. She always acts like egoistic person. I didn't understand why she was acting like that, and the only way to figure it out was to become her. I became dependent on her.

I started to live her life. I spent every day with her. I was with her when she drew, I always followed her to work and the studio, often drink with her friends. I started to dress in her style. But she doesn’t like it. I even quit my job just to help her in the studio. A few months later. I learned how to draw. But I could only draw her traits. I drew a stack of her portraits. She was thrilled when she saw her first portrait by my hand. But her last portrait was the final moment in our relationships, and I do not understand why she left me after that. I gave her all my drawings, I gave her my life. I loved being with her so much, I loved being her so much.

And then suddenly our life together was cut short?

Why?

Because. I was trying to understand her?

I still don’t know why. Only thing which I know for sure is that now I hate her. I took a breath of life only after she broke up with me. She was like cancer that killed bits of me inside my organism. Without her. I went back to my senses. I realized that I simply lost myself chasing after her. I couldn’t catch up to her. And I’ll never be able to. I’ll never be her. I realized it too late.

Remember in the begging I quoted about love and hate? These people are wrong. Love is foolish, and hate is wise... Because my love for her will be in my heart, but my hatred for her will always be m my mind. And you know, we have to trust more to our brains than hearts. So. don’t start to smoke, love...and you won’t be addicted.