my dear mother by Kateryna Moldakhovska

my dear mother 

my mother’s eyes were watching me all this time. i was standing in the room, my body felt so big and obnoxious, so out of place. all i wanted was to hide somewhere, to shrink and run away.

in my eyes, the world was yellow, like an acid. it was poisoning me, corroding my insides. the urge to throw up made me want to bend, hug myself and cry. i felt my hands go cold, sweating and shaking.

i knew i was wrong. i knew it. but nothing it this world could prepare me for her reaction. not anger, not frustration, just disappointment, an utter disgust with me.

words stuck in my throat, blocking my airways, i didn’t know what to say. hands were hanging down my body, legs getting weaker and weaker.

a wave of guilt covered me, i was drowning. the hate i felt was destroying me inside. how would i ever be able to breathe again without my eyes watering and my hands shaking? never forgiven and never forgotten.

i was the reason of her greatest grief. i killed her child with my own hands and in this world there is nothing that would turn back time. the one and only thing i can do is to disappear from her life and destroy myself entirely. to become the dirt under her shoes and the waste she would throw away without any hesitation.