People who know me
now probably won’t believe it, but when I was 14, I was all about partying and alcohol.
We just moved to this country, and my parents were always busy. And when they had time for me, they were mostly pushing me about my grades and that I should go on language courses and that I didn’t tide my room up. And they constantly were saying how they are proud with my older brother, that he studied much better, and supported them, and that he is so successful, and got a rise in his job. No, I loved him so much, when we were younger he was my best friend. But then he went to college and started working, therefore, we were communicating less and less. Nevertheless, listening to how good he was when I never got so many approvals from my parent were driving me crazy.
What is more, all my friends left in another country and we communicated less and less… I didn’t justify myself, but that’s why when some ‘cool’ guys from my new school invited me to their group I agreed.
Minimum once a week I went clubbing with my new friends. And almost every day we were drinking beer and smoking behind the school. I even stole money from my mum a few times. It wasn’t like I had no money, but I needed more to have fun. My parents didn’t know about most of this. But few times I got in trouble. They felt something. They were trying helping me, talking to me, restricting. But at that age, I didn’t understand my parents cared about me. I thought they didn't understand me. And probably it all would end up catastrophically for me. But then that day happened.
My brother got in a car accident. When Mum called me, I didn’t even answer the phone. I was thinking that moment “Oh, what she wants from me again”. But She was calling again and again. So I finally answered. Mum, told me that my brother is in hospital. I couldn’t believe it. I run right to the hospital. When I was there, the operation was still going on. I was sitting there, hugging my Mum and praying for my brother. Next days I didn’t leave a hospital once. I couldn't leave my beloved brother. For some reason, I felt, guilty, ashamed. I didn’t do anything for this catastrophe to happen, and it wasn’t my fault. But for some reason, one thought didn’t abandon me, that if I listen to my parents, received good grades, spent more time with my family, this wouldn’t happen. It was an irrational thought. But it was buzzing in my mind all the time.
After a few days, my brother was gone.
My heart hurt so much. I was constantly catching myself on thoughts like “I can ask my brother about this” or “Interesting what he is thinking about that.” And the second after I always realized I couldn’t ask him anymore.
After the funeral, I didn’t want to get out of my room. Firstly, I wasn’t crying. I was in this weird state when my mind was empty, zero thoughts. I was just looking in one place with lost sight. But then tears came. I was crying in my pillow hours. And in few hours of constant tears, I was returning to apathy state.
I was feeling as I was falling in a hole. I ate almost nothing that days, I was also missing school. How I could be studying is he is gone? My parents seemed aged many years in a few days. Their sun is dead, and the daughter in a horrible state. I understood I should be strong, support them. But I couldn’t find any strength in myself to do it. But then one thought struck me. My brother wouldn’t like seeing me like that. He was always saying I shouldn’t allow hard moments in my life to stop me from going. That was striking.
I should keep moving. If not for myself but for my brother. I should live for us both.
After that, I never consumed alcohol or smoke. I forgot about partying. I started learning, attended classes to be able to get into a college. I read books about self-care and motivation was helping my parents, cooking breakfasts and dinners.
And now when I think about my brother, my heart still hurt, but I'm able to smile recovering our childhood memories. Sometimes I think, maybe before we both were born, in a previous life, we agreed he will go earlier to help me wake up and we will meet in next life.
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