my assistant Howard Morison asked me with hoarse voice.
We were in my cabinet where were big chairs and a lot of furniture was made of wood. It was a late evening, almost night. The politic did not care about nights and days: it had only ‘now with opportunities’ and ‘then with lost chances’. Moreover, my ‘right’ deals looked more suitable in the dark. I had just sold the batch of guns to another country by not legal way.
“Well, Howard, you can” , I said with moaning.
“How do you feel about…”, the man hesitated for a minute and then continued: “Feel yourself after such a dirty things? Do you think about people that will be killed by that guns? I know that the country which bought the stuff have almost decided to sign a truce with its enemy. You just …” Howard looked at me with wary glance. His lips were trembling as he tried to finish his phrase. However, he did not have enough power to be bold.
“I am just prevent the end of the war”, I said word by word. I took a drink of whiskey and looked how the light of the lamp played with my glance. “And about people. As long as the humanity has the instrument of killing we will find the enemies to use it on them. Well, wouldn’t sell I, another one would”.
“And you think it is alright? ” the assistant said. His hands was trembling. “What about lives, children …”
“Stop!” I interrupted him. I clenched my fists. “Childhood is stupid period of our life. Children are so naïve, foolish and helpless. They did not have powers to protect themselves. Do you really think that I care about their weak bodies?” I laughed. “That children should be grateful. I stopped their weakness. I gave them a chance to become strong. Like my father said: “Child , man or woman is not a human until he or she is unable to protect him- or herself. So why I should care about her or him? They don`t deserve my attention like a garbage in the garbage bin”. This philosophy is mine now”.
For a minute there was silence. We tried not to look at each other.
“You`ve got not tactful answer to not tactful question. Leave me now. If I need something I`ll call you ”, I said.
Howard left the cabinet. He looked upset. I had supposed that he knew with whom he worked. Had he really thought that I sold guns and had a nightmare about it? Nonsense .
“ Not a human until you are not able to protect yourself”, I whispered. At that moment I was able to protect myself, dad. I had enough possibilities to do that. Thirty years ago, dad, when you had beaten my mother and raped me, I had been a stupid fearful boy. That children did not have to be as me in my awful childhood. I wanted to make them strong in my own manner, the hard , but the effective one. I knew about its results. You had tested that method on me, dad. Well, thank you, bastard.
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