The Interview with an Applicant by Hanna Hodasevich

Two ladies. The interviewer wears strict suit, an applicant is casually dressed. An applicant is always calm and confident. Emotions of the interviewer change with almost every applicants phrase.

- Mrs. Cruse, welcome!
- Thank you!
- Have a sit.
- To help a knee?
- Of course.
- I’ve been looking over your resume and I have to say I’m very impressed.
- Oh, thank you.
- You know, actually I think, to be honest, you are overqualified to be an accountant.
- Oh well, that’s ok. I don’t intend to work very hard.
- (smiles) Eh, eh… really?
- (nods) Absolutely! I only intend to show up when I feel like that, which is good coz I have a wide variety of extremely annoying personal habits and absolutely no sense of hiding.
- (opens her mouth surprisingly) Oh, … oh… (looks into her papers) You know then, I don’t feel like you are then the correct person for this position.
- That’s ok, I quit.
- You can’t quit, you don’t work here.
- Like I would ever work here.
- Like we would ever hire you…
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah! And even if you did work here, I wouldn’t even give you the opportunity to be quit, because I would fire you.
- Oh, you can’t fire me, because I don’t work here.
- That’s right, you don’t and I would kick you out so quick.
- Prove it!
- Ok! (smiles) You’ve got the job!
- (smiles) Thank you!
- You’re welcome, and now it is my pleasure to inform you that…
- (interrupts) I quit!
- You can’t quit, I fired you!
- No, it’s… it’s too late, I don’t work here anymore.
- Fine, let’s try this again. You’ve got the job and now you’re fired (smiles).
- No, you offered me a job and I never accepted. Look, I’ve already worked for you. It’s very tedious. And now you want me back. I think it’s a regressive career move.
- Ok! What can we do to get you to come work for us?
- A raise.
- A raise?
- Two hundred dollars an hour.
- Two hundred an hour?
- And this time I promise I won’t quit.
- You promise you won’t quit… you promise you’ll let me fire you.
- If you still want to.
- Oh, I’m sure I’m going to want to. So, we have a deal?
- (pause) Not yet. I’ve already been an accountant here. I feel like I’ve grown
the position. How about junior vice president?
- Junior vice president (nods), two hundred dollars an hour or twelve cents
whichever comes first. You promise not to quit before I have the opportunity
to fire you.
- That’s correct.
- Grate (shakes her hand and smiles) you’ve got the job.
- Oh, I accept.
- (takes her hand away) Now you’re fired!
- Oh, you can’t fire me. I’m junior vice president. I’m your boss
- (smile leaves her face) Well, that doesn’t make sense…
- And as your boss (takes a pan) I regret to inform that I fire you (takes a cup).
- Why are you firing me?
- Well, you’ve been hiring some really strange people lately. Two hundred
dollars an hour ttttt for me (shakes her head).
- What am I supposed to do without a job?
- Well, we do have a new position opening up now. Do you have any experience?
- (shocked)