God right now when he finished making my way to hell. I knew that being completely devoid of shame I did not go to heaven.
At the intersection of those streets, which I really didn’t like, the bell began to ring, informing the whole city about the evening. From afar came the human voices and the sound of tire braking at this damn crossroads.
These weeks were the hard ones. My illness made itself felt: constant cough with blood, pain in the joints, back and chest. I was ready for everything, the pain in my heart did not cease, which made me keep my phone near me for speed dialing my dad.
After I kicked J out, my health deteriorated. Today I wrote a note for her, took out a plane ticket, a photo of her sister, and put the letter with everything else in the envelope. I pulled a marker out and wrote in large letters on the envelope: “PLEase, READ THE NOTE ON THE PLANE. Thank"
I understand that I have not so much yime left, and my departure from life is predetermined. I just sat on the bed, closed my eyes, folded my hands in my lap. Suddenly, a tear rolled down my cheek. A strange feeling for a man who has never cried. As if something had changed, but nothing had changed in fact. It seems that I was ready for this day, but no.
I sat waiting for my father.
“I do not want to die. I just want to live. I want to live. Together with J” -I said, when Dad came into my room.
"Andy" - father's hands were shaking, eyes were red with tears.
"I love her. I need time. Another year. One year. I beg.” - I almost screamed through tears.
Now I appear to be experiencing my last nervous breakdown. My father hugs me so tightly that I could not break anything.
“I know, son. Forgive me for everything. I would like you to live, that you would be happy, but it is not in my power” - he said with vexation and bitterness.
"Do me a favour. Go to J. Give her that envelope, and go to my mother and sister later. And I will go to the flowers that I dreamed of. I beg you. Let me go the way I want”
My father stood silently, his hand stretched to my face. He stroked it for the last time. My head began to hurt a lot, I heard thousands of voices shouting that I was making a mistake, leaving without saying goodbye.
Memories about the same day 5 months ago covered me:
*** I quickly took out a cigarette and lit it a quarter before my mother's house. She does not like when tobacco can be noticed from my breath, and does not like to think that I am ruining my health.
Inhaling cigarette smoke, I felt that I was approaching the day I had been dreaming about for several months in a row. That dream that takes me off a cliff to pink flowers.
Today was one of those days when mom was cooking dinner for the three of us: her, sister and me. Yes, dad was not invited to this house, which sometimes made me angry, but it seems that Eli was not against it. Mom met me on the porch with a smile. She hugged me and then whispered:
“Did you smoke?” - I didn’t answer anything, probably she knew the answer to this question. When we went into the house, I smelled fried potatoes from the kitchen, where there were 4 plates on the table, not 3, as I had expected.
“Are we waiting for someone?” I asked in surprise.
"Yes, dear, Eli has invited a friend for dinner"
"And you did not invite daddy? I mean…"
She looked at me with that look that clearly made me always understand when to close my mouth and not to talk.
There was a noise upstairs, and Eli went down:
“Brother!” She ran over to and hugged me. I enjoyed this embrace, because they are so rare. After parents’ divorce, we do not often see each other, only on such evenings and on birthdays.
About 5 minutes after my arrival there was a knock at the door. Eli let her friend, J, into the house, who seemed to me very sullen and not sociable, which in the end turned out to be so. She occasionally inserted a word into our conversation at the table and ate little.
"So, J, are you Eli's neighbor?"
At first she did not understand that I was addressing her and quickly said something like “Yes, I live in the next house.”
I smiled and put the fork aside.
“Well, I think I am full. Eli, don`t you want to invite her friend to the hall? We could have fun together”- I grinned.
Eli started to laugh, grabbed J`s hand, what she obviously didn’t like, and pulled into the hall where she turned on the music. This girl did not ask a lot of questions, and seemed so silent that she simply drove me mad. I do not know why I was so attracted to her. Perhaps I wanted to win her attention and have a little affair. Or maybe I just wanted any attention, which I missed lately.
Mom was cleaning the kitchen when Eli left J and me alone in the hall, and ran upstairs where she left her phone.
“You're not so talkative,” I said.
"And you are so persistent"
“Are we playing a game, guess who I am?” - She smiled, “finally” - I thought.
She got up from the couch and held out her hand to me:
“Well, since I'm here, then I will have to dance, and you will have to dance with me.”
***
I fundamentally wanted to change my life and then, I did not think about how this could change her life. I was aware of the disease, but all this time I was keeping it in secret. But in the end, I gave her a flyer for free disappointment.
Same day 3 months ago:
*** I knocked on the door and Dad let me in.
“Hi, how are you?” He asked.
“Yeah, everything is fine. I brought the results of tests and examination of the doctor"
I sat down in the place of patients in the office of his father. His profession gave him advantage over me, and he knew that if he had not been a doctor, I would not have listened to him. The pack of cigarettes dropped from my backpack while I was searching for the documents in it.
“Are you smoking? I asked you not to smoke anymore. We want to help. ”
“Let's be honest, I do not need the help any longer. And don't tell mom about it at all. I don't want her to know about my illness. ”
“How do you imagine that?! I've been silent for ages!. ”
“I just know that I won’t be alive by the start of the next year. That's all. Therefore, I take everything from life that I can” - I replied and put the cigarettes back in my pocket.
“You are selfish. Damn it” - cried the father.
“I am not an egoist. Dad, I do not take the pills that was prescript me because there is no point in continuing to do this. I'd better help J. ”
“What?” - father became nervous, got up from a chair and came so close to me that I heard his breath, he sat down and put his hands on my knees, “Tell me how J can handle with the pain of your loss? How can I or your mom? ”
“At first she won't know, I’ve thought it all over, let it happen the way I’ve planned”
"You have planned?" What kind of nonsense are you talking about?” - he paused for a second and then whispered -“ Son, I ... I ... am afraid that I cannot bear your death ”
The father spoke slowly, his hands trembled, and tears began to flow from his eyes. Tears of grief, despair, without a single way out of the situation. He did not know what to do. The disease manifested itself a year ago, but the doctors immediately said that they can support life inside me, or my parents can let me quietly move away. Dad did everything for me. A lot of money was spent on treatment, but nothing has helped. I felt so sorry for him; I put my hand over his hand and answered:
“Dad, I believe you can. That you will continue this way without me. I had a dream. As if I was standing on a cliff, and there pink flowers bloomed, the snow laid, then I took off, and was gone. I am ready to leave. But the time has not come yet. ”
“I don't understand why you talk so calmly about this?”
"I do not understand it either"
Then I removed my father's hands from my knees, got up and looked straight into his tear-stained eyes. I saw my childhood, mother, and little sister. Then at that moment, I realized that I must help J. find her sister.
***
I was selfish, and that was enough to hate me, but they could not. No one could hit me in the face so that I would finally come to my senses. I had to tell my mother, sister, and J that I am a walking dead, who would throw away the hooves.
Standing on the edge of a cliff, I wanted time to turn back. Listen to the words of the father, do not quarrel with mom. I did not want this all. But if I already followed this road of disobedience, then I should not have given hope to J. She did not deserve what she should go through. No one deserves it.
I stepped off the cliff.
Darkness.
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