the clash of clouds came roaring in the sky. rain was drumming persistently into the tall windows. how could he bare it? closer.
- just once? - said he. - a lot. - said she. - why not? - said he. my hair curled on his forefinger.
how could he bare life at all? when everything is so worn and characterless? even his own writing. is nothing new. the same old shit about adam's rib and eve coming from it. i don't suppose it is anything interesting further there on those pages for about 200 UAH. but sure he lives from that. what is it then that turns me to him? 2. - u r nothing more but the ghost of my pain. my bitter medicine. nothing more than my fantasy. i fantasize about u. for breakfast. for lunch. before sleep i shall swallow some curds, but i won't close my eyes. u torture me. what shall i do with that? i call for u, and here u r - before my eyes, in my head. i turn away from u, and u r there again. right beside me again. like a ghost. in front of me at the table. sitting on my bed when i'm falling asleep. looking at me every time i'm in pain. and u r soothing it. but making it still more unbearable. and the next moment i find the power to sooth it again.
- r u texting me this? at 3 a.m.? srsly? good morning... 3.
- now let's try a bit louder this time, shall we? the sound should reach the
family circle up there in the end of the hall. c'mon. give it a try. - i want u. i want u now and i want u forever. these r the words i came up god knows how many years ago. and i imagined saying it to u. one day. and now i do. it's so fuckin' lame. - sorry. no. may u be so kind and call the next one? and do i really want u? r u just a new characters in my stories? or it is just some animal instinct showing me that u r the nice option for pairing? some infatuation that doesn't let me be. do i see beyond u, or am i just imagining things? how i wish u could tell me.
i can't play the piano. the wind scattered my piano sheets. there was a shitty piece of writing:
...but ur numb. i wish u could help me. i wish u could save me. but saying 'u' i imagined my death. u r my death. le petit mort. but still more. more than that.
more real. and more serious. i imagine tit for real. death. i associate u with death. and not only u. many men before. i was dreaming about one in the morning on the bus, and was dreaming with the same pure and genuine hopes about another in bed. but u r the strongest limpet yet that stuck to my fleece. something in me wants my death. ur just some unfinished plan of my subconsciousness. unfinished healing. or unfinished death...
he'd pick one and read it, passing by. but he wasn't there. ...the image of u (tis not rly u) stands very close to that fracture in my soul. very close to my mother. one moment i am feeling despicable near u. the other comes another one, and i despise u...
- i despise u. and i hate u. i will hate u, just as much as i hate them all. - will u scream that in my face? - i don't really care to do that. - oh, do u really? i never let it show before, that's why it hurt. it all had gone unnoticed. by others. and probably by u. though i can't even be sure. but i just hate him now. i see his pale face and the bones in the cheeks look like death. the blonde hair looks like the ashes from which he will never rise. like the dry grass in the fields in summer. summer was in the air when i first saw u. and i liked to think it was in ur eyes. though i don't quite remember if it really was. there was something else in ur eyes.
- let's go.
it is the prison. and i am a convict. i'm trying to escape. u will not understand me. i want to die when i am near u. this fracture is trying to suck me down with these images of fatal love it projects upon u.
- go slow. u r an immeasurable measure. i fuckin hate to feel that way. u r a fuckin thistle in my garden of eden.
- but u want that, don't u? u want me to save u. u want me to kill u.
i hear the sound of flute. it all started with that. in winter. now it all sounds absurd to me. the marshes of my thoughts about him. i don't wanna go back. but I will not hate him. neither shall hate any of them. my demons. within me. tamed.
- may i stay? - said he. - no.
No comments:
Post a Comment