Torn Apart by TAG

God, it was me! I did it! It's all my fault!

I woke up in cold sweat in the middle of the night. Or rather got out of  trance as I couldn't call that sleep. I was in my bed in hospital. They had patched me up. They had seen to Dave's nose, too. I shouldn't have hit him in the nose. - I thought. No, not in the nose.
Dave had always been astute, had always seen right through me. Hah, I remember the first time she introduced me to him.
- I'm Dave. – he said to me squeezing my hand till it hurt and giving me a disparaging, condescending  smile.
- Ah, yes, – I replied awkwardly, trying not to howl from the pain his handshake was giving me, the older brother.
Dave looked rather supercilious. He looked down on me – both literally and figuratively.
-  You don't look like someone who could interest my sis here. - he said in a disaprobating and somewhat upfront manner.
- Dave!! - she cried and nudged him.
-  No, - I said, -  it's ok.
He gave me a long challenging look. You think I chickened out, don't you? I thought I would. But I saw something in his eyes…something that said that if I dared to inflict any kind of pain on his sister I would be dead meat. It wasn't so much a threat as fraternal concern. And it touched me. Even more so as he had the same eyes as she. So I looked back into his grey, almost light-blue eyes. And I think he saw in my look that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I actually did hurt her. Otherwise, I can't explain his smiling benevolently, tapping me on my back and saying:  Welcome, kiddo!
I laughed and said: Actually, from what I hear, I'm older than you are.
- Oh, what are you, seven?
Since then the three of us had shared our happiness. And now the two of us shared the pain of losing her. But I didn't think anyone suffered the idea of having been her murderer.
Well, to be fair, you weren't the one who ran her over. - I thought and then immediately: Oh, you are clever. Witty man, that's funny as hell!!! She is dead, and you are laughing at it!!
I wasn't laughing,  was I? Just an observation.
 Well, yes, you didn't kill her literally. But just think…
Right before your departure, at night, when you last held her soft warm body close to yours, when you were in anguish of realizing that you might never see each other again – you didn't think  however, that you would end up being the one mourning – on that night, I say, she broke the news…
- I'm pregnant.
You didn't answer for a while. For a very long while. And then said:  I see.
She had laid with her back on your chest, but on hearing this she turned and you lay stomach to stomach. She looked at you. God, even at night you made out her eyes.
- That's all you've got to say? - she asked.
- What? - you faltered.: No. It's good news.
- You actually think so?
- Yes, I do. - and you really did and she could see it. The matter was over. But only verbally. You knew she didn't leave of doubting whether you didn't want that child. But that wasn't what you were thinking. You were thinking how that child might never see his dad. The next day, on the station, you saw in her eyes, apart from the pain of impending separation, the qualm of bringing a child to the world where his father didn't want him…
Oh, no!!! - I broke out in frenzy.: God, please, no! NO!!!
It only just occurred to me: along with my wife I had lost my child.
A nurse came in.  Sir, are you ok?
Naff off!! - I yelled and threw something at her.: Get out!
What an ass I am! - I started off as soon as I was alone again; I didn't even notice that I was speaking aloud.: How could I forget she was pregnant when it happened?! And I left! I was so bewildered by the news I couldn't even react properly. And I just went away, leaving her here! All these months I was there she thought of my loathing the child that hadn't even been born yet! Or worse …she might have thought I loathed her for being pregnant…
A thought came to me. And I had never been scared of anything as much as of that thought. That demon that raked my soul. The pus that led me to believe that I had been the one responsible for her death. I welcomed that idea with open arms.
God, it was me! I did it! It's all my fault!
Suicide. That was the idea. Nothing seemed more probable. A woman, pregnant, despised by her husband. What else could she have done? And I had basically pushed her to end her life. I had been the reason of the death of the one I loved!
The room went dark. Then I saw…HER! God, these eyes! They had never scorched me so badly! Then,  as if a mist cleared off, I saw her more vividly. I saw that loving, sympathetic, instigating look. She bent over me and kissed me on my forehead. I tried to touch her but couldn't get hold of her. Then she straitened up and I saw her unctuous, succulent full cherry lips form a No.
I woke up with a convulsion. Of course that had been a dream. I was dejected but not deluded:  she was dead and I could never forget that. Nevertheless, tears were streaming down my cheeks. I looked up and saw the eyes, Dave's eyes. He reached out for my hand and squeezed it gently. I jumped out of my bed and embraced him.
- Dave…Dave…I thought….I thought she… - I was snivelling and couldn't utter a coherent word.
- I know. I know. - he replied quietly.
- And I…the bloody…bloody wanker I am… actually…actually believed…
- Yeah, so did I. For a moment.
- But she didn't, did she? - I cried out.: I know she didn't!
- How can you be sure? - his eyebrows met, but he had a vague smile in his face.
- Well…she told me! - I stammered.
- Yeah, she told me, too.
I looked at him for a while in utter amazement. And then said, sorrowfully,: We shouldn't have even considered that…
- Hey, hey, - Dave said and gave me a look – the kindest, most sincere look…her look. Don't you dare! You've always been the brooding one, and she always put you straight…
- And now you are doing that for her. Yes, she was…has always been the best of me.
- There you go!
We set silent for a while.
- Dave, - I broke the silence, - I forsook her.
- You didn't forsake her. You didn't have a choice.
- I'm not talking about the war. The child. I made her feel like she had to deal with it on her own.
David was mute. I waited till he said something. After a lapse of three minutes he did.
She didn't feel that way. - David said looking at his hands. She told me she was scared…scared that you wouldn't be able to see your child.
- But…
David didn't let me finish. And she knew you thought that she believed you didn't want the child. God, how could you even think that? You are such a fool.
Yes, a fool. A damned fool. Nevertheless... I could have stayed; could have kissed her and said I loved her when she told me she was pregnant; maybe if I had given her a look of some kind, she might be alive now. - I mused.
-I'm sorry. - I whispered and clenched my fists.
- What? - Dave asked.
- Oh...nothing. - I replied with an oblique smile. I wasn’t talking to you.